I TAKE MY PLACE AND SIT

A vow of silence saved my life in rehab.
My mouth a vicious pet that bit the crack heads
and the smokin’ pill freaks.
For once I shut up.
At first, I pantomimed, a fool.
‘til I lost my nerve, and found my home,
a boneyard where no one gets to die.

I crave the gold of timelessness in time, of stillness.
Once more,
I take my place and sit.
I keep thinking meditation will help,
will smother irony and fire, will bring me peace.

Back when Rich was still alive and shopping for a guru,
we’d sit each week with Claude, his Zen name lost to me now.
Rubber numbness as we sat, and after:
urgent sermonettes, tea in tiny cups, and sacred cookies.
The Dalai Lama gives out Oreos, I got one.
I chewed the crisp brown crust, awareness,
Creamy white insides as holy as the chanting monks.

Shrieking sinews melt my zafu at the alter.
I arm wrestle mindfulness.
A mountain shoves itself right into the room.
I was hoping for a light show.
Boogie woogie street noise empties memory from my dreams.
A thousand teachers pierce the world of suffering that I flee.
I run out of gas just listening to Pema Chodron.
I breathe in my fear as I fill up at the pump.
I spit desire on the ground before me.

Peace goes as it comes.
I wait for emptiness to invade,
for timelessness in time, for stillness.
I take my place and sit.